By Grant Spolander
Three guys walk into a car dealership…
The first bloke spends 2-hours talking about tyres and suspension; he then orders a Jeep Wrangler and blows another $30k on accessories. He transfers the money without breaking a sweat, despite borrowing against his mortgage.
The second guy asks very few questions, he appears to know exactly what he wants, but no deal is signed until he’s negotiated free Smash & Grab window film. He drives off in a Hilux.
The third guy wanders around with a huge grin on his face while collecting a dozen brochures on Defenders and Jeeps… six months later he buys a softroader.
If you haven’t yet guessed it, these are the three common types of 4×4 buyers out there: the Junkie, the Justifier, and the Dreamer.
Justifiers use the word “need” rather than “want”. The moment a vehicle’s features are aligned with what they “need”, the justification does all the selling.
When the time’s right, they’ve done all their research (justifying), and don’t waste time with the purchase. The product literally sells itself. (Interestingly, most double-cab buyers fall into this category)
Junkies are a far “simpler” breed, they’re either ridiculously wealthy, or ridiculously in debt. Either way, they’ve all lost track of the many times they’ve lied to their spouse. They’re also very impulsive, easily swayed, and in most cases, they have a tendency to binge drink.
I may… may… fall into this latter category. Except for the lying to my wife part…(*cough)… and binge drinking (*double cough).
But this post isn’t about Junkies or Justifiers, it’s about Dreamers.
If you’ve ever sold a highly-modified 4×4, you will have met this breed. They’re also known as “Tyre Kickers”, or my personal favourite “Ask-Holes”.
They’re also known as
“Tyre Kickers”, or my personal favourite
An Ask-Hole will ask you many questions and will appear to be a dead serious buyer, but when crunch time comes, they ALWAYS bail on the purchase.
The problem with most Dreamers is that they live in a paradoxical state where what they want, is never in line with what they feel they need.
They go through life surfing Gumtree while tormenting unsuspecting sellers (usually Junkies moving on to their next project) that get drawn into their schizophrenic cycle of empty promises and enthusiastic questions.
The moment you engage with them it’s pure torture, like a Miley Cyrus chorus that’s stuck on repeat. They’ll even go as far as to ask you to hold the vehicle for them while they “arrange the funds”. The moment you hear this tune, do yourself a favour and put the phone down.
But aside from sharing their financial problems with you, Dreamers are known for an even worse trait than just time wasting, it’s the “I had to ask” statement. This usually follows a grossly insulting offer that’s 50% less than your asking price.
Most of us can agree that selling a second-hand vehicle is stressful, which is why so many of us are willing to take a big knock on the trade-in value; but half the problem is that the market is full of Dreamers, who have no idea that they are in fact, Dreamers.
That said, here are 7 points that will help you identify a delusional Dreamer from a mile away – long before they suck you into their world of ask-holiness. Feel free to subtly tag a mate that fits this description…
ASK-HOLE IDENTIFICATION LIST
- They have the Gum Tree app on the first page of their home screen.
- They yearn for alloy rims, but ultimately spray their stock rims black.
- They own two coolers instead of a camping fridge.
- They build their own drawer system because “nothing on the market suits my needs”. (See above point about two coolers)
- They visit their local 4×4 fitment shop bi-weekly and ask the same questions they’ve asked a millions times before. Then grumble about the price and proclaim “I can make the same thing for half that”.
- They dream about oversized mud-terrains, but generally fit OE spec tyres, followed by the statement: “I can buy two stock tyres for the price of one”.
- Above all else, they make promises and promises, and given half the chance they’ll suck you into a world of playback loops and Groundhog madness.
I’m willing to accept that many of them are actually nice people (in any other circumstance), but when it comes to vehicles, they don’t know their head from their ask-holes.